Hop, Skip, and a Jump

2009-05-29T13:55:00.000-07:00

its uncanny our capacity to love.
God gallows us to be captivated by something as simple "i love you."
speaking those three words demands courage and knowledge.
those who can love amidst heartbreak amaze and encourage me.

i have some beautiful friends who see living in Christ's love as a wonderful adventure.
they inspire me.

2009-05-20T10:49:00.001-07:00

Oh,
you are so needed.
you are wanted.
you are absolutely beautiful.
dear Lord, how can it be any better than this?
You move me. You make me. You love me.

Today, I am so tired and yet, so alive. I speak words that mean something. My thoughts come alive and leave me anticipating the next moment. I have so much going on with my life that I can't waste time thinking about the past.

I am moving forward and cant wait to see my next step. I think it will be lovely.
Going backwards is not possible. Only moving forward, past the difficulties of these last few months, will be the remedy for a fulfilling life.

I'm Still

2009-05-20T10:22:00.000-07:00

Don't find me here
Though, I'd love to see you.
You are near,
Close, I can hear you.
What keeps drawing me?
That tells me I need you.
Something about the way
Your hands moved in moonlight
Sometimes its how you say,
With you, everything feels right.
Then you turn around on me
And tell everyone you arent the one.
Its me that won't let you be.
But, this is not a game to be won.
Can't you see how actions speak?
Your lips move me closer still.
You left me breathless and weak.
It's place only you can fill.

Dear sanity, i'm falling.
Please let me understand.
Why is love still calling?
What is it about this man?
I want out,
I want to stand on my own.
Take love out,
It's not his heart to own.
But, I'm still breathless.
I'm still breathless.

I haven't spoke to you
You know what you did.
You act like you are through
Yet, is that what you intended?
Because I saw the way
Those eyes looked at me.
Like they were about to say
You have captured me.
Please, you have me confused
I am not one to wait around
And leave that time quite unused.
You need to stick around.
Be the man I know you are.
Don't care what opinions talk.
I can only go so far
Before I turn around and walk.
You have all this love inside
and its being wasted on empty days
Knowing how it feels with me beside,
knowing our love with all its ways.

Dear sanity, i'm falling.
Please let me understand.
Why is love still calling?
What is it about this man?
I want out,
I want to stand on my own.
Take love out,
It's not his heart to own.
But, I'm still breathless.
I'm still breathless.

Dear.

2009-05-05T22:43:00.000-07:00

Sweet Jesus,

Let me be caught up in your arms. I want to be swept away with the goodness of your love and the safety I find when I run to you. You have never failed me. You have never left me or made me pay for my sins. All you desire is my heart. LORD, IT IS YOURS WHOLLY AND ENTIRELY. Your hands catch me when I fall, especially this time around I feel you here in this room cheering me on. When I get back up, I promise to continue walking in the knowledge it was you who was there on the ground urging me on. I will not walk away from this brokenness forgetting all you do for me. It will be what I carry with me, not a burden but a song of joy. May this light never go out. May my heart stay chasing after yours. Praise be, you have ransomed unworthy me.

and my feet are dancing again.

All my love,
L

2009-05-02T15:38:00.000-07:00

im sitting on the couch wishing it would rain, doing homework and watching movies all day. i shouldn't like this so much but maybe im enjoying it because pretty soon this will be a thing of the past. college is almost over. when did i start thinking id miss it?

okay, list of possibilities after school:
-apply for jobs (logical)
-backpack through Europe
-see Lauren in argentina this summer
-apply for Toms Shoes or Invisible children internships (toms next spring, ic whenever)
-relevant magazine internship?
-move to seattle, move to new york, move to nashville...maybe i just want a new place
-work for Giving Children Hope
-apartment with Kim in SD or the apartment up here? Parents??

gaahh.

Perhaps

2009-05-01T12:06:00.000-07:00

Debussy plays in the background. The foreground is awash in hues of gray as clouds swirl above. I stand in the middle of an open field and watch as the tall grass sways gently in fresh spring breezes. The moment is perfect. Nothing holds me back from singing at the top of my lungs and running with my hands punctuating the air in rhythm while brushing the occasional loose strand of hair from my face. I am disheveled; a telltale flush creeps onto my face. Stopping, I hear someone singing along. They know the tune; the harmony is bursting with life and intertwines perfectly with my melody. Though I cannot see them, I know them. Whispers echo across the warm air until my ear catches the message. Perhaps I am mistaken but no, it is undeniable. They know my thoughts, can understand why fresh tears spring to my eyes and without hesitation embrace my hand. Their face is a blur as we run towards the patch of sun in the distance. Though I run wildly about, the anticipation of what comes next creates concrete peace in my mind. It is more than I can ask for.

forgot the end again.

2009-05-01T09:33:00.000-07:00

i have been running away from trust these past couple weeks. i don't let people hear what I'm really thinking, i keep everyone at an arm's length and the minute it comes down to me having to stake something on them i am outta there. screw the boy who effed with my head and led me to believe i am not worth the effort.
I'm sick and tired of thinking i have to have all the answers, that i am only as good as the results and my value is based on some perfect model of a woman. i am learning that i suck at those standards.
i will never have all the right things to say, the cutest looks to draw him in....but that isn't what matters. this is: that it is in the effort, in the heartache, in the grim and grit, in the daily struggles that character is measured. it is not his standards that matter, because in all honesty i will never meet those ridiculous things. i laugh when i should be serious, talk about things that matter to me like injustice in the world and things i am learning, unabashedly cry when the movie ends because it moved me, sit reading a book oblivious to the world because it captures every bit of my attention, and i blush but laugh about when i make a fool of myself at random moments.
i am indecisive, i am introspective, i don't say what he wants to hear...i say what he needs to, i don't play dumb, i don't pretend not to care, i don't sit there like we don't know each other, i don't let him just do what he wants with me....
and for that, i am not meeting unsaid standards.

well, forget that. i am out.
why didn't i realize that a zillion moments ago?

so far...

2008-12-29T20:49:00.000-08:00

i have packed like nothing and i leave in less than 24 hours.
however, right now, i am just content to snuggle with my sisters and cousins while eating m&ms and watching movies. a cozy fire would complete the picture.

i am so nervous. will i be a good leader? will i be good at listening to God? LORD- I AM WAITING FOR YOU TO SPEAK. i promise i will listen. i love you.

leaving is bittersweet. i feel as if this was not enough time with my family and yet, i know i must fo. i know this is what the Lord has for me next month. He has prepared me for this.

it is just hard to leave my family- here and up at school. they are my everything.
when i am gone, i worry about who will care for them. who will be there to listen to them? do things with them? talk about everyhting and anything?

distance makes the heart grow fonder.
please let this be a true statement. pleaseeee.

today the Lord sent me a present. i know it sounds cheesy but, do you ever have the feeling God made something just for you? today, it was a sunset. as i was walking back from running, i looked up and almost fell over because the sky was so radiant. i was completely captivated. the colors blended together creating a scene so beautiful i wish i had someone to share it with. the comfort was that in Africa, i will see this same sky. the Lord will paint the sky there too. He is going with me. He IS with me.

okay, back to cuddling and chocolate.

i hope to write more in rwanda :)

2008-12-23T23:51:00.000-08:00

oh my, 8 days.
okkkk.

christmas starts tomorrow!
:)

so our imaginations grow

2008-11-26T11:18:00.000-08:00

[sigur ros- glosoli] dont you just want to try flying now? beliefs are strong, faith even greater.

2008-11-26T00:47:00.000-08:00

sleep escapes me even now. my thoughts run freely and i am serenaded by rain. as i think i breath slowly letting my heart collect itself.

"The cool peace and dewy sweetness of the night filled me with a mood of hope: not hope on any definite point, but a general sense of encouragement and heart-ease."- Charlotte Bronte

its my serenity to know i am alone right now, able to speak freely and know i am heard by one i hold dearest.

Lord, i want to pursue your heart and be still in your presence. i desire to rest knowing you are near. be with those i love and those i have yet to meet.

yours always.

haiku nonsense.

2008-11-25T23:29:00.000-08:00

a sudden moment
smiling genuinely
my heart skipped a beat

transforming us now
like pieces fall together
soft the words we speak.

laughter fills my day
nighttime brings no fear to me
dreams are all i see

peanut butter does a body good.

2008-11-24T14:18:00.000-08:00

i love peanut butter and apples. idk why i am craving this so badly right now.

OK.
It's as if my days go like this:
wake up
class
class
eat
homework
team rwanda stuff
more leadership stuff
sleep

wow, i cannot wait for this semester to be over because I feel so bogged down by things (other than Rwanda related things) that are constantly grabbing at my attention when all i care to be doing are things of the heart.
those would be writing to my heart's content, investing in relationships i care about, reading books i get excited about, spending hours sitting in the presence of my Lord, dancing, sewing, watching movies, cooking, baking, traveling, singing, playing music....ahhh how i cannot wait to graduate next semester and now i am wondering if grad school is such a good idea? is it?

im in philosophy of journalism right now which leads me to contemplate if i now what i want to do with my life. is it journalism? ministry? music? will i ever know? am i taking the right steps??
i wish the Lord would give me some sort of clue. PLEASE???

i went running two nights ago and it started raining. i dont think i have felt so close to God in a while. i was alone in my thoughts, just pouring them out to my Savior and i felt like he heard. He heard. He loves? He cares? sometimes, i am left alone to wonder these things and keep my faith upheld by myself. i guess that is what refines faith. looking to the Lord when i have fear, doubt or am scared of loneliness. He is there....

scattered thoughts.

2008-11-21T00:57:00.000-08:00

im going to rwanda.
im leading a team of 7 students.
im scared.
im thrilled.
im....
im being pursued by the ruler of my heart and i can feel him tearing off everything that hinders me from seeing him.

im going to bed.
finally.

and im going home....in five days.
mama and daddy and rachie and mirbear and grandma and papa. how i love my family.
oh and my dog, laddie, and my kitty, mushi.

im just rambling now.

2008-11-21T00:54:00.000-08:00

i wrote this on may 29, 2008 and i still do exactly what i hoped to change

im never going to leave things unsaid.
i dont want sing myself silly with my thoughts when i could be passing by moments of honesty if only they were spoken.
deliberately i will live my life with full momentum.
straight on till morning, yes?
i hope you say yes.
why not dance underneath these stars? the weather is quite warm.
why dont we sit and talk? what have we to lose?
why cant love come without strings? i promise that puppeteering is not my thing.
why is it we stay at arms length when all we want to do is hug?
no one is waiting to destroy.
why is it moments seem so much grander if we share them?
i want to build up and never take down. i long to be silly without fear of formalities. i hope to see someone i care about and be able to show them that without hesitation. words are so often left unsaid.
its costing us our sanity at times.

prose and noise and late night craves

2008-11-21T00:34:00.000-08:00

i miss being able to see my breath on a cold night.
i miss holding onto love so tight.
i crave warm funfetti cake.
i crave having a reason to bake.
i love listening to this boy talk.
i love how my fears he doesnt mock.
i remember being unashamedly aware
i remember i forgot to care
i enjoyed living for something more
i enjoyed having love to pour.

yet here i am now, why do i bend and bow?
to break his hold on letting love grow cold?
this isnt my choice, yet my thoughts give voice.
for here am i so willing to wait, as long as he participates.
i just need one word, if yes shall be heard.
and then im content, to let love be meant.
even if it takes awhile, knowing you are out of denial
i will skip, dance, sing, shout, letting my happiness ring out.
proud and true and full of you.
just know im letting you make this move,
darling you have nothing left to prove.

Thought I was There

2008-10-16T14:17:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to forget what it feels like to write, how much I love the clackety clack of the keyboard under my insistent fingers.

My laptop's 'v' key has a mind of its own and seems to love annoying me. I will be typing viciously, and with a velocity of verocious vividness and variety this volitile 'v' key vexates me to no end...
vvvvvvvv <--- me trying to keep this dumb key on.

Ha, well, let me continue on for this is my soap box and its quite liberating to speak my mind without interjection. These past couple weeks have been the strangest roller coaster yet experienced. I have seen the work of a force so much greater than myself and though it is my life, I am the minimal player and have beseeched the grandest role to my Creator. I know so many do not believe in the infinite but time and again my finite mind yearns for that which is beyond me. Where do these thoughts even come from? My searching would not be even an issue if there wasn't an idea already preformed in me beyond my control. Why do we even have a faint knowledge of what we are searching for if something greater does not exist?
I digress, back to my life...though I did provide a disclaimer in stating this is my soapbox.

A little over a year ago, my heart was broken beyond what I at the time even recognized. My family, friends, everyone said to move on and that it was a lost cause. I wanted to be good at taking their advice. I tried everything to forget, to move on, to heal. And while healing has come, I am not even near forgetting. Right when I came back to school, it was set in my mind that at last I would accomplish the task...this was the semester for it. But, there were other plans in motion and so trails dobut in my worth, questioning if i will be given up on again...
oh heart, why do you even beat if you just lead to destruction?

Currently, I am planning a trip to Rwanda. This is my joy.
To once again see Africa, serve those people, listen to kids laughing...bliss.

okay, i need to write more. this is a perfect release.

rain

2008-02-20T15:12:00.000-08:00

rain falls steadily as i write. i used to love the feeling of a rainy day back when it held the promise of a happy phone call from the boy i loved. he would remind me all day how wonderful storms are and how blessed he is by it. i loved to sit with him in the car and listen to the rain pound on the roof picturing myself years from then still relishing such moments. now, time has passed yet, my heart still aches. rain creates a sense of nostalgia that i wish was escapable. i'd run miles away to have the ability to take a breath without my mind feeding on the days long since passed. shortness of breath is natural now as i wake up to the sound of water pelting my window during a blustery night only to find dreams are better. i am a fool, but a fool willing to put my whole heart into rectifying this. i wish whole heartedly i would have known what i do now. things would be...
i can only press on with what little hope i have left in patience and understanding.

"She missed him the days when some pretext served to take him away from her, just as one misses the sun on a cloudy day without having thought much about the sun when it was shining."
-Kate Chopin, The Awakening

voice

2008-02-01T01:16:00.000-08:00

my mind is a whirling dervish out of whirl.
its trying to grasp what triggered talking.

God please give me some patience in this time.

i love that voice still. it makes me miss him.

2007-12-30T16:44:00.000-08:00

leaves are floating around in the pool in my neighbors yard, the swirling wind creates little whirpools. the clouds cover the sky and greys blot out the sun.

2007-12-30T02:33:00.000-08:00

we can stand here in the pouring rain and let our cupped hands collect the tears that fall. its okay to show your face for when the heavens open up, no one can tell that your eyes join in.

darling hold my hand under covers of a facade. i know this is hard. what does it take to revert back to the love we had. i sleep to escape you, yet, even in my dreams, your face finds me. smiling, ways i know so well. waking up, my mind screams to forget reality. let me live inside my devastating dreams.

i fly away from this problem despite lack of reconciliation. tomorrow i will awake for once fogetting the pain i placed there. oh, if only that were to happen.

south africa

2007-12-30T02:00:00.002-08:00

soon i will be calling edendale primary school outside of pretoria, south africa, my home for the next month. my heart is quickening as i think about it. reality is sinking in and results as a huge lump in my stomach. i know that God has worked things out amazingly and feel reassured i am to go, however, i cannot help this pang of uncertainty that is creeping up from who knows where. i am without a doubt, so blessed to live where i do and with a family who accepts me without any hesitation. i suspect i will want to be these kid's family, and in pouring out everything i have i dont know how i can muster enough strength to leave them. i long to see the light in their eyes, hear the sound of their laughter, walk with them holding my hand, and let them captivate me every moment. God loves them in unfathomable ways and i hope i can somehow express this truth. no matter where they are in life, He will meet them there and with open arms bring them into His light. may my life resemble love unfailing.

memory

2007-12-30T02:00:00.001-08:00

sometimes i wish i had no memory. i feel i wouldn't find such simple things so complicating. even the tiniest things, such as listening to a great song, can bring up some whole unresolved issue in your life only because of the time, place, emotion, and company you experienced it with. i was driving today in the foggy rain and a particularly once special song came on. i haven't listened to it since the end of summer but, my heart felt each word. it was if the lyrics had my life in mind. silly liz, i get carried away in my emotions yet, though i am mad i cant just turn them off, they remind of who i am. the past shapes the future and brings along with it the emotions felt. part of recovering or healing is dealing with the haunts of memories. i figure it out the hard way, but, it's mending slowly. i have learned the metamorphasis i've gone through, even if i only see it, helps me break the hold of society's pressures and idiotic tendancies. i remember the last time it happened and i learn. even if i never feel true, breathtaking love again, i have something much greater to live for. yes, i dream of being swept off my feet but that memory is too painful to want to try again. so i cling to the hope i have in making new pictures for my mind to see, sounds to find fimiliar, and adventures to spark excitement; things to lull over on a rainy day driving in the countryside. its my only hope for i can never erradicate the memories.

transversal

2007-12-30T01:59:00.000-08:00

def: a line that intersects a system of other lines.
that sums me up right now. my life is traveling and yet it must travel in a direction. it cant just stay complacent. it must make a decision about which of life's lines to chose. thats where it gets hectic.
part of me- yearning to break out, defy standards, kick aids and poverty in the ass by completely devoting my life to change. this anxious heart of mine beats to the tune of a millions voices screaming in pain due to personal loss and the world turning a blind eye farther and farther away. i want to shout at silly kids who wear "invisible children" or africa embellished purses because they dont even know where uganda is or have any clue about what is currently going on in that area of the world. they love to be activists for the sake of trend instead of being informed and teaching themselves to care. don't get me wrong, publicity and awareness is needed but i am tired of the ignorance that comes behind it in most cases. take a glass, fill it with your purified water, slip a couple of numbing agents down your throat for a headache thinking about all of this and then remember we have purified water and they dont even have a well. God help america.
the other side of me- subjagated to this sweet, self-sustaning, protected box. its almost, in some cases, like i have fallen into the, sometimes unavoidable, prisoner's love of the captor. i sit here in my lighted room, warmed by a furnace, on my fricken laptop (which i sometimes complain about because i want a mac), listening to my itunes which feuls my ipod and i feel sick to my stomach at my hypocrisy. when i go to south africa in two weeks, i am gonna love being immersed in the culture but wishing i had taken a warm shower.
my heart is transversal. i cut across fine lines and sometimes wish that the Lord would heal my unrestlessness and give me clarity. yet, maybe in an unhealthy way, i love it. it makes my effort to learn and travel and serve harder to attain. challenges inspire me.
i pray against laziness. i prey on the passions of my God to be my own. i long for my heart, in all its complications and muddled passions, to somehow reflect the love He has shown me, the salvation He has given me, and the joy He brings me.

why i cannot sleep

2007-12-30T01:51:00.000-08:00

just like a poet has a drive to write
as the moon shines long into the night
just like the playwrights pen pages and pages
so that the effect can be felt from stages
just like the scholars cannot control their desire
for more books to read and standards higher
these things make my neverending dreams compete
for each one is vaster, broader, and more sweet
i long to sail, serve, fly, write, sing, climb, breathe
while in a country like uganda or mozambique
each day i'll do something to be part of the solution
while others sit around smoking in their pollution
yet, just as the miser will sit there and stare
as his money grows but his heart strips bare
just like the politicians scream and shout
but the people's pure voice is drowning out
just like american children quickly grow greedy
while all their lives, african kids live painfully needy
darling, i wish i could explain to you, these things i think,
the plaguing troubles that make my life incomplete
i wrestle in restlessness trying to unleash
the burden i feel while i safely, warmly sleep.
i want to be challenged beyond all compare
not content to just sit blindly and stare
so straight ahead i run into the unknown place
with my God, my soul, and a steady, strong pace.